The Ties that Bind Us
by moriartyswife
Summary: Before Ieyasu and I were lovers, we argued with each other about most everything. He and I were very different people, with similar goals. The two of us would find the smallest issues to disagree over. It made my smile to myself to think about how far we'd come since those days. But, being a warlord's wife is more complicated than it seems. (From the Ikemen Sengoku App)
1. Chapter 1

Present:

The room held darkness, save for the sliver of sunlight slipping through the curtain. Letting out a soft sigh, I wasn't ready for the day to begin yet. Still securely in Ieyasu's arms, I laid my head back down on his chest, listening to his heart beat. He was awake, running his fingers up and down my back softly. "We've been in Azuchi for a while," I said. The more time we spent here, the more I missed being in our own home. There were so many familiar faces that I missed seeing.

"I've told you if you want to go home, then I'll send some men to guard you on the journey," Ieyasu responded.

It had been my choice to come here with him, and I do not regret it. "No, I want to be here with you," I answered, tilting my head up to meet his gaze. "I'm just missing our home more than usual today." I smiled brightly. Wherever he was, I wanted to be as well.

Rolling us over so he could hover over top of me, Ieyasu's lips pulled up into a smirk. "Then I'll have to give extra attention to you today." He dipped his head down to kiss me, running his hands down to my chest.

Nothing ever goes as planned for us when we were in Azuchi.

Footsteps came running down the hallway, stopping by our door. "L-Lord Ieyasu!" The vassal sounded out of breath. "There's an urgent message from Lord Hideyoshi for you." He knocked on the door for a second time.

I sighed and ran my hand through his hair. "Later, then. I'll hold you to your promise."

Ieyasu gave me one last kiss and left me on the futon to begin to get dressed. Only halfway done, he slid the door open when the vassal knocked a third time. "What is it?" Ieyasu's tone had turned cold, like usual when he spoke to others around him. Only I could pick out his slight irritation that we'd been interrupted.

The vassal seemed stunned. I didn't recognize him, so he must be a new recruit, and not one of Ieyasu's. His eyes fell on me for a brief moment, realizing what he'd done. "My apologies, Lord Ieyasu… Lady Rena." It was only when Ieyasu moved to block his view of me that the vassal cleared his throat and relayed the message. "There will be a war council as soon as Lord Hideyoshi and Lord Masamune return. There was an assassination attempt on Lord Nobunaga, but it ended in failure."

I still held the sheet up to cover my body even after the vassal had left. It wasn't unheard of for an assassination attempt to occur. Nobunaga had plenty of enemies. Still, it unnerved me to hear about it. Because… it could have easily been Ieyasu. We were allies of the Oda clan, and that made us a target by association.

"Don't look so worried, Rena. Nobunaga is fine. He wouldn't be so easily killed," Ieyasu said, holding out his hand to help me up. It seems he wanted me to accompany him to the castle. "I've got to gather a few items in case he needs some patching up. Get dressed and meet me at the entrance, alright?"

With a nod, I waited for him to leave before preparing myself for the day. Sliding my arms in the soft material of the kimono, I chewed on my lip. Being in this expensive material felt wrong to me sometimes. Some days I wanted to go back to plain clothes that I wore before Ieyasu and I were lovers. Back then, we argued with each other about most everything. He and I were very different people, with similar goals. The two of us would find the smallest issues to disagree over. It made my smile to myself to think about how far we'd come since those days.

It wasn't long before we were making our way through the town to get to the castle. I slipped my arm around his, hugging it tightly to my chest and walking close to him. The memories had swept away my thoughts, making me smile to myself.

"What are you so happy about?" Ieyasu asked, looking down at me with confusion. Nothing about being forced out of bed by horrible news about an assassination attempt should be making me act like this.

That only made me laugh. "I love you," I said, intertwining my fingers with his. Now isn't the time to bring up the past. He's got a lot already on his mind.

Some things never change. Ieyasu had no response, turning his gaze away. A hint of blush showed on his cheeks. "I don't like when you start acting strange," he said.

Ieyasu is very adorable when he gets embarrassed by affection. It didn't deter me from standing up on my tiptoes to place a kiss on his cheek. "I'm only speaking the truth," I replied.

Mitsunari greeted us at the gate, changing Ieyasu's mood drastically. He's a sweetheart with no ill intentions, but Ieyasu couldn't stand how clueless he could be. I liked him, though. He had a kind soul, lending a hand whenever asked and never once complaining about it. It did amuse me that he also had quite a lot of admiration and respect for Ieyasu, which irritated Ieyasu more. Mitsunari informed us about a woman that had saved Nobunaga's life, and how she ran off into the woods alone. Masamune and Hideyoshi had gone to fetch her. They had only just arrived back.

Some other vassals approached the men, asking to speak to them. He hesitated, but Ieyasu gave me the bag full of medical items. "Can you—"

I cut him off before he could finish. "Of course. I'll go see if Nobunaga needs any medical attention. Don't worry about me," I said. My skills as a doctor were on par with his own. Being on my own for so long, and then taking care of children younger than me, I had to pick up the tricks of healing in order to survive.

"I'll accompany you," Hideyoshi spoke up from the group. It wasn't hard to tell that he wanted to check on the health of his lord as well. Leading me through the castle, he spoke about the incident. The culprit had escaped, managing to evade all their soldiers.

Nobunaga rolled his eyes when Hideyoshi and I entered the room. "I've told you that I require no medical attention." He sat at his desk, working hard as always.

"Just let her see the burns, my lord. They shouldn't be left untreated," Hideyoshi chastised.

These two were close friends, even if they were lord and vassal. I moved around Hideyoshi. "You're in luck, because Ieyasu sent just about every kind of supply one might need for any fire related injuries." He'd even included stitches and a needle, should there be an open wound. Sitting on my heels, I held out my hand. "Let me see."

Reluctantly, Nobunaga set down his quill and held up his arm. The burns weren't so bad. The salve that Ieyasu had made should heal it up quickly and leave no marks. After wrapping it, I asked, "Is that all?"

"Yes, as I've said, I am fine," Nobunaga replied, his gaze moving to his most trusted vassal for a moment. Hideyoshi didn't look too convinced.

I packed away the things I'd used and laughed. "You can't fault him for being worried. We all were." News like that can change the tides of war. "Do we have any theories as to who was behind it?" Hideyoshi had mentioned that they didn't catch the assailant.

With a shake of his head, a grin spread across his lips. "Not yet, but I look forward to hunting down this coward who ran before finishing the job." He meant it, too. That gleam of excitement in his eyes said that he enjoyed the chase and would thoroughly enjoy torturing the man. The features on his face changed to realization. "Rena, you still have your informant in the east, I presume."

That took me by surprise, and it showed on my face. "Y-yes, I believe so." In the back of my mind, I knew where this was going. One of the kids that I took care of, one not that much younger than me, had begun to make a living off selling information. Because of the kindness I showed him, he would occasionally send me important things he'd learned.

"Good, I would like for you to go speak with him. I'm sure an informant of that caliber would be most useful," Nobunaga said.

Ieyasu is not going to like this. He doesn't even approve of me going to the battlefield and assisting as a doctor. "I'll speak to Ieyasu about it." This will end in an argument. I can already tell how poorly he'll take the news.

"I'll send someone along with you. I cannot spare Ieyasu, but Hideyoshi or Mitsuhide should suffice. This is not a request. As part of the alliance, I am ordering you to go seek out your informant and bring me back useful information." Nobunaga had a tendency to order anyone around him to do tasks for him, and that had caused tension between him and Ieyasu more than once when it had come to me.

"I understand, however, Ieyasu will not."

Nobunaga waved his hand in disagreement. "I do not care about Ieyasu's disapproval. I've given an order and it will be carried out."

Hideyoshi took a hold of my arm and pulled me up to my feet. "Rena, let it go. I volunteer to accompany her, with your permission."

"Very well. It's settled then." His attention had returned to his work. That signaled that the conversation was over.

Out in the hallway, I let out a breath. "This is not… good," I mumbled.

"It's not often Lord Nobunaga gives a mission of such importance to-"

I held up my hand to stop him. "That's not the issue, Hideyoshi. The informant… he lives in a dangerous province, on the edge of Uesugi territory. The reason I've never gone to visit him in person is because Ieyasu is worried someone will try to harm me. The town he resides in is always riddled with fighting." Being married to a Tokugawa makes me a target. Blowing out some air, I tried to give him a convincing smile. "I need to tell him, before someone else does."

I found Ieyasu with Mitsunari in the library. The two were discussing the numbers of the alliances armies. He had that irritated expression, and his beautiful green eyes lit up with relief when they met my gold ones. Stay calm, Rena. "Mitsunari, could you give us a moment?" I asked.

"Yes, of course! We can return to this discussion later this evening," Mitsunari replied with a warm smile. Without any questions, he exited the room with a book in his hands.

Though he seemed relieved that Mitsunari was gone, Ieyasu could easily pick up on my worry. "Is something the matter?" He asked.

Slowly sinking to my knees beside him, I nodded my head. "Don't be upset, okay?"

"What could have possibly happened with Nobunaga to make me upset?"

Taking a deep breath, I fiddled with the sleeve of my kimono. "He wants me to go speak with Joji," I said hesitantly.

The second I said his name, Ieyasu's eyes narrowed in disapproval. I hadn't told Hideyoshi the whole truth. It was true that he lived in a dangerous province, and going there could put me in danger, but Joji had been… in love with me. Because of that love, he and Ieyasu had never gotten along. Joji believed that Ieyasu had somehow forced me into marrying him, and no matter how hard I tried to tell him otherwise, he still hated him. He hated him to the point that he'd tried to kill him. Joji's plan failed, ending with me being the one injured.

And the result of this attempt had cost us the life of our unborn child.

 **A/N:**

 **This story has two companion stories with a lot of crossover! If you enjoy this one, please go check out Clever Canary and Solitary Confinement!  
**


	2. Chapter 2

"Absolutely not."

That was his answer to everything that I'd told him. He had the right to be so averse to this. It wasn't me that he had to convince that this would be a futile mission. While I was sure that Joji would give me the information that was needed, the cost might be more than I can afford. Joji never asks for money. He's always felt he owes me for the time we had spent as orphans. The information is free. In recent years, before the incident that is, he would ask for me to do something with him. Dinner. A walk around the town to reminisce about our past. Harmless on the surface, but the underlying notion of his desire for me was ever present.

Ieyasu had hated that part of our deals, but he'd allowed it at my request. Joji would never hold my heart.

Before I had the opportunity to attempt to calm him down, the door slid open. Hideyoshi sighed. "I apologize for overhearing, but I couldn't find a time to interrupt. Ieyasu, we are having a council meeting and all of us are being summoned." He could pick up on the mood in the room. Hideyoshi folded his arms. "You shouldn't question Lord Nobunaga's decisions. Rena will be safe with me."

Ieyasu didn't respond, instead turning to me. He couldn't bring himself to fake any kind of smile. His eyes still held the displeasure of this news and he said, "Go back the mansion, Rena. I won't be long." He'd rose to his feet and disappeared from the room with a purpose. He wanted to change this fate, and I knew he couldn't.

"You shouldn't let this get so out of hand, Rena. He's your informant. You made this a possibility," Hideyoshi said, his eyes still captured by the direction Ieyasu had left in. He doesn't understand.

I really should go home, then. Being here will only cause more problems and I myself am getting irritated by these men who don't know the truth about Joji. "He _was_ my informant. Things have changed," I replied, forcing a small smile to my face. Politics requires tact. Ieyasu could act however he liked because he was a powerful warlord. I'm only his wife, and that makes my actions reflect on him.

"Changed how?"

Biting my tongue, I shook my head. "It isn't important. I'll see you tomorrow," I replied, knowing that this wouldn't change anything. Nobunaga knowing the truth wouldn't change his mind about me going to speak to Joji. He might be a little more sympathetic, but not enough to just throw this lead out.

Hideyoshi's eyes were glued to me until I rounded the corner out of sight. Letting out a deep breath, I closed my eyes. It hasn't been easy since we lost our child. The strain between me and Ieyasu had slowly begun to heal and lessen. I feared that this encounter with Joji might change all the progress that we'd made. The two of us had dealt with the pain in different manners and that alone had been enough to cause strife in our lives. It had finally dissipated completely, and now this?

In the middle of the day like this, the town is at it's liveliest. Merchants were lining the streets, some familiar and others fresh from travel. My eyes scanned the trinkets and lovely items, a small distraction from my current issues. That's when Miki appeared. She had taken a large bite from a sweet bun, humming in approval. This girl was a mystery to me. She was also an informant, loyal to Nobunaga for the time being. Her beautifully colored kimono made her stand out, along with the two swords snuggly hanging from her waist. Her bright whitish-pink hair had been pulled up into a strange style and bangs framed her face. There isn't much that I know about her other than her very loud personality and teasing nature.

Though, as an informant, she might be able to give me some advice.

That's how I ended up bringing her along with me to my temporary home. Prying ears shouldn't overhear what I am about to ask her, and there is nowhere more private that my own home. She made herself right at home in the study. I slid the door shut, giving instructions to the maids to not let anyone disturb us. **"** There's this mission that Nobunaga is sending me on, to speak to an old friend of mine, Joji," I started, sitting across from her.

"Joji? The crazy squirrel keeper, Joji?" Miki asked, curious as to how the two of us fit together. It was easy to see that she had already begun to analyze what she knew about me and him.

It made sense. She's a high caliber informant. Nobunaga trusts her, which is a feat. Hideyoshi is always wary of her, though. She has her work cut out for her if she wants to win him over. "You…" I paused and laughed. "Of course, you now him. He's an old friend of mine and gives me information for free."

"Ew." Her nose scrunched up disgust. "Anyone who gives out valuable knowledge freely is either stupid or lying." That's a harsh assessment. Having friends in times like this paid off. She wouldn't really understand, because from what I've heard, she doesn't have friends. That's a self-proclaimed statement.

I smiled. "We've got quite the history together. I trust him to tell me the truth." Or at least, I used to. Ieyasu has never like Miki, so I have to watch what I say to her.

 **"** Oh? Do tell. I love a good story," Miki said with a grin.

The door slid open loudly, and Ieyasu's eyes narrowed at her. "Get away from Rena, Miki," Ieyasu said harshly. He'd crossed the room and tried to grab her before I could attempt to stop him. He doesn't know that I invited her.

Miki is light on her feet. She'd escaped his grasp easily. "She invited me here, Ieyasu. You should treat your guests more kindly.". As Ieyasu's hand fell to his sword, Miki held her hands up in surrender. "Alright, no need to threaten me."

Ieyasu frowned. "One day you'll get yourself in more trouble than you can handle," he said, but his hand released his sword. Turning away from her, he sighed.

"Aw, are you worried about me, Ieyasu—"

Miki barely ducked out of the way of his swords path. It sliced through the air. Backing toward the door, she grinned bigger. "You'll have to try harder than that to hurt me. Better luck next time," she sang and spun on her heel to leave. Casting a glance over her shoulder, she looked to me. "I meant what I said. No one in my line of work does anything for free."

For once, she might be right. It only made me more unwilling to go on this mission. Ieyasu's mood told me everything. Nobunaga hadn't changed his mind. His order to make me go visit Joji with Hideyoshi still stood. That meant defeat for me. While I hadn't outright tried to get out of this, having Ieyasu go speak to him had given me a little hope. This situation would only escalate.

Ieyasu is usually generally annoyed with any orders that pertain to me, but this time, he was angry. A side of him he rarely showed to anyone. It was Hideyoshi who could snap into an angry fit over some news of a mission or things he disapproved of. Ieyasu had more control over his emotions. Except, for right now. He'd been pacing around the room, practically fuming about the mission that Nobunaga had given to me. "This is ridiculous. Why would you agree to that?" This could also be from Miki antagonizing him when he was already in a foul mood.

"You know that Nobunaga didn't make it a choice for me to make," I replied, still seated on the floor. It's not easy to calm him down when he gets like this. It's much better to give him his space and allow him to get it out.

He knew that I was right. "Nobunaga doesn't know what he did to us. To you! That informant can't be trusted, especially when I can't go with you." He slid his hands through his tousled hair, pulling at it.

It's probably better that he isn't. Joji dislikes him as much as Ieyasu dislikes him. The first time the two met, they tried to kill each other. Rising to my feet, I had to do something before he jerked all his hair out. "Ieyasu—"

He cut me off. "That bastard should have been killed after he hurt you. I should have killed him," he growled, making me stop before I reached him. It's been a while since he's talked like this. I'd been the one to talk him out of killing Joji, because he was someone I had cared about. I hadn't realized this had been affecting him so much. "I shouldn't have let you talk me out of it."

"Ieyasu, you're scaring me," I said softly. "And I'm already scared enough having to go on this trip." It's been a few years since Joji and I had met in person. He usually sent a messenger with any information, likely because he was afraid that Ieyasu might try to kill him. And from what I'm seeing now, Joji should be afraid.

That calmed him down quickly. Ieyasu finally looked over at me for the first time since he began ranting about Joji. His bright green eyes were wide with concern for what I'd said. "Rena—"

"I don't want to go," I admitted, the dread filling me again. "I try not to even think about him anymore, and the idea of having to go see him makes me sick." The pain of losing our child had taken a toll on me, and it still felt fresh in my mind. Absentmindedly, I rubbed my hand over my stomach. "So, I need you to tell me that it's going to be okay, like you always do." Hot tears pooled in my eyes.

The little distance between us closed and Ieyasu held my face in his hands, wiping the tears off my cheeks with his thumbs. "I won't let anything harm you again, Rena, I promise. You're mine to protect." The waver in his tone made my heart clench. Joji had cost us both something precious, and he had felt so much guilt since then.

Some part of me had always felt like he didn't understand how much a miscarriage hurts, because he hadn't been carrying the child for almost six months. It's untrue, though. Because Ieyasu had felt our baby kick and would speak to the bump about the future. It was _our_ child, and it had been wrong of me to assume that he didn't feel the same pain as I did.

Placing my hand over his, I tried to smile. "You're the only one I'd entrust that to." None of the other warlords at Azuchi know too much about my past, or how Ieyasu and I went from enemies to lovers. By the time Ieyasu had even brought me to Azuchi with him the first time, we were already engaged. But my words held a much deeper meaning. For the longest time, I had been on my own and being able to trust someone else with my safety and wellbeing had been hard for me.

Another thought struck me, and I pulled his hands down, holding them tightly in my own. That's a ridiculous notion. It wouldn't be right for me to even bring it up. Keeping my eyes glued to the floor, I wrestled with the question floating around in my head. It's wrong. I know that. But, I wanted to ask it nonetheless. I chewed on my lip, still unsure.

"You only bite your lip like that when you're thinking too much about something," Ieyasu said.

That brought a smile to my lips. Of course, he would notice a small thing like that. "There's no option where you can come with me?" I asked softly, afraid of anyone else hearing those words. The journey there would make me unbearably nervous, and then having to actually go see him… without Ieyasu… might be impossible. "I realize how selfish that sounds with how much is going on."

Ieyasu grew quiet for longer than I would have liked. When I finally had the courage to raise my head just enough to look up at him, I realized that he had an amused smile tugging at his lips. "You care too much what the others are going to think." He brushed a piece of my hair back, tucking it behind my ear. "There are rumors of an uprising in a small town not far from where you'll be going. I'll do everything I can to end it quickly and join you, okay?"

My whole body relaxed, sighing with relief. "Okay," I replied, smiling brightly.

He leaned down, placing a kiss on my lips. As if drawn in, he did it again. And again. Each time more strongly than the last. Slipping his hand around my waist, he guided me backwards until the wall had stopped us. Before I could move at all, he'd pinned my wrists against the wall. His assault of kisses only stopped long enough for him to say, "Stay still." Then, he'd moved on to trailing kisses down my neck.

This was meant to distract me from the trials of tomorrow. He's done this many times. Drown ourselves in each other until tomorrow seemed so far away that it didn't matter. Ieyasu had a talent for being attentive and thorough in his everyday work and it spilled over into loving me. Even when things were rough with us, he never made it about himself. It was always about the two of us. To me, it meant that no matter what happens, we still love each other so deeply. So, tonight will be something to remember while I'm away with Hideyoshi. It's a promise. One that I cherish more than any other.


	3. Chapter 3

The sun had barely risen in the sky when Hideyoshi and I had to depart. Ieyasu spoke with him for a while, glancing back at me every now and then. He must be telling him to be weary of Joji. Already on my horse, they were too far away to hear. When the conversation ended, Ieyasu approached my horse with a small dagger in his hands. "Take this with you, Rena. I understand that your stance on violence still stands as it did back when we first met, but—"

"Of course I'll take it," I cut him off, offering a small smile. Tucking it away in one of the bags saddled on the horse, I reached out to brush my fingers through his hair. "I'll see you soon," I said, having no other words. We had spoken this morning after a long night of little sleep. Neither of us were fond of having our relationship put on spectacle.

Taking my hand in his, he placed a soft kiss on my palm. "Very soon."

Hideyoshi was looking anywhere but at us, trying not rush us. I knew that he was itching to leave so that we could return sooner rather than later. Ieyasu reluctantly let go of me, and he stayed there at the gate until we were out of sight. I know this because I continued to glance back to check. Sighing when I could no longer see him, I straightened up on the horse.

"Rena, can I ask why you and Ieyasu were both so adamant about you not going?" Hideyoshi broke the silence. It was only the two of us on this journey, so that we wouldn't attract much attention. In the years that I'd known him, it was clear that he was a kindhearted man, who cared deeply for those around him.

Keeping my eyes forward, I replied, "I would rather that you didn't." I did not want to relive those memories.

The remainder of journey took three whole days. We kept the conversation light, but there was lingering tension from my unwillingness to tell him about my past with Joji. We left our horses just outside of the town, out of fear that they might be stolen. The town itself was more dilapidated than before. There were people gathered around a fight going on. Hideyoshi took a step closer to me when the eyes of some men followed me.

I very much dislike this town.

The merchants were pushy, not above trying to drag you inside by the arm. They kept bothering us. Just when we'd escaped one, another had his hand running up the sheath of Hideyoshi's sword, naming price after price. His patience was running thin and one intense glare was enough to set the man off back in the direction of his shop. With an annoyed groan, Hideyoshi turned back to me, and asked, "how much further until we reach this informant?"

"You mean you aren't enjoying yourself?" I asked, my words dripping with sarcasm. Maybe Ieyasu's rubbing off on me too much. Taking a deep breath, I pointed to a house near the woods on the far side of town. "That's his home." My stomach churned at the sight.

"Let's get this over with so we can return to Azuchi," Hideyoshi set off in that direction. He only took four steps before realizing that I was not following. "Rena?"

In my head, I was calculating how long it would take Ieyasu to get here from where he was. We'd both departed on the same day, and this town is a little further than that one. If all had gone well, it wouldn't be much longer until he could arrive. I bit my lip. If he comes.

Hideyoshi placed his hand on my head. "I don't know why you're so worried, but I'm going to keep you safe." His words did nothing to suppress the fear in me.

Before I could ask to wait just a little while longer, Joji's voice came from the tavern porch. "Rena?"

My heart leapt to my throat. I couldn't even bring myself to look at him.

"It is you! Who's your friend?" His tone was light, clearly happy that I was alone. He'd reached us in a matter of seconds. In his hands was a pitcher of sake, most likely he'd just stolen it on his way out. With my silence, he let out a breathy laugh. "I bet you're here because of the man who tired to kill Nobunaga Oda. Am I right?"

Business. This is business. Trying to keep my wits about me, I nodded my head. Finally meeting his gaze, I stared into those deep blue eyes of his. They were bloodshot. He must not be sleeping, that or he is intoxicated already at this hour. "Yes, and that is all I am here for," I clarified.

Joji grinned brightly, brushing his hand through his jet-black hair. "We can talk inside. Prying ears and all that," he replied, marching off towards his home. He didn't speak until we reached the front door. Sliding his arm around my shoulder, he looked back at Hideyoshi. "Rena and I will talk privately."

His touch makes my skin crawl. My fear began to dissipate, and anger took its place. How can he act so nonchalant after what he did to me? Pulling myself free, I snapped at him. "Do not touch me. And I will never be alone with you again."

Hideyoshi had the same expression as I did, not pleased with how Joji was behaving. His hand rested on the hilt of his sword as he protectively moved beside me. "I will not allow that either."

Joji laughed bitterly. "Did that snake tell you to say that, too?" He leaned down into my face, shaking his head slowly. "Don't you see how he's controlling you? The things he's made you do, the person he's turning you into?"

"I did not come here to argue about Ieyasu," I said, fighting the urge to say anything more.

Joji flicked my forehead and rolled his eyes. "Don't say his name when you're with me." He opened the door and strode inside, expecting us to follow.

Deep breaths. The inside of his home hadn't changed, except for the number of squirrels in cages. The last time I had seen him, there were possibly two or three. Now, there must be over ten. This must be what Miki said by crazy squirrel keeper. The smell was rancid, urine and feces. Covering my mouth and nose with my hand, I said, "If you have information, then please tell me."

"You've done a lot for me, Rena," Joji started, setting the pitcher on a small table. He absentmindedly scratched the head of one of the squirrels closest to him. "More than I can ever repay, which is why I did what I did."

My eyes narrowed. In a momentary lapse of sheer rage, I threw the nearest object at him, a candle holder without a candle. "You took our child from us!" I shouted. My attempt to throw something else at him was stopped by Hideyoshi grabbing my arm.

"I saved you from having that demon's child! I did it for you!" Joji replied, desperation in his tone. He truly believed that he was doing the right thing. He tugged at his locks of hair. "You don't understand what he's done to you! He's twisted your mind! He forced you to stay at that castle and then forced you to marry him!"

Hideyoshi's arm slid around my waist, holding me back against him. "Rena, calm down."

I barely heard him. My heartbeat filled my ears, anger filling ever fiber of my being. "I _chose_ to stay with him back then. I _chose_ to marry Ieyasu because I love him! Why can't you understand that? It was never going to be you!" Back when I first met Ieyasu, that day when I took the place of one of the things who had been caught stealing, I despised what Ieyasu stood for. People were starving and struggling to survive. But, together, we had taught each other how to be good leaders. Along the way, I had fallen in love with him. Joji never understood.

And it's clear that he never will.

Joji straightened up, staring right into my eyes. His rage mirrored my own. "I'll kill him one day. I swear I will. I'll rescue you from that monster."

"Rena, we're leaving," Hideyoshi said. He knew that Joji wouldn't divulge any information at this point. This whole trip had been a waste. Keeping a firm grip on me, he led me out of the house. He decided it best to camp out for the night, as the sun hung low in the sky. He knelt by the fire, adding more kindling.

I sat on the ground, watching the flames grow larger. "Do you still want to know about Joji?" I asked. It would be good to get it out now, as the frustration and anger still lingered in me. He knows now that Joji had been the reason Ieyasu and I had lost our child, but how it happened still hung over me.

Settling down beside me, Hideyoshi answered, "Only if it will help you calm down."

I nodded my head. "We never told anyone at Azuchi that I was with child. We were still in Mikawa and would be there until well after I was due. It was my mistake to send word to Joji that information," I started. Ieyasu tried to talk me out of it, but I did it anyways. I wish every day that I had trusted his judgement, and I was thankful that he hadn't blamed me for the way things went. Neither of us had expected him to show up at the castle.


	4. Chapter 4

_Dinner with a visiting Daimyo and his wife had gone very well. He and Ieyasu spoke about some issues in his land that had to do with the recent drought over in that area. I had the job of keeping the wife entertained. When Ieyasu and I first married, I found it hard to be around these women. They were pretentious and snooty. It had taken some time to get used to it, and Ieyasu had to deescalate the situation before we got into trouble._

 _Nowadays, I could handle their retorts about my previous life of poverty with grace and a smile. Tonight, however, the topic stayed about children, as I had a decent sized bump that couldn't be hidden by my kimono anymore. It had gotten to the point that someone had to help me up when I sat on the floor. This woman had all the advice to give, having three of her own all under the ages of 5 already and they were trying to get a fourth._

 _Ieyasu and I stood at the entrance to the castle, watching them climb into their carriage and then move into the distance. I let out a breath of relief and my whole body seemed to relax. "That went well," I said. Thank god it's over._

 _"You were overwhelmed again. Was it because of her advice?" Ieyasu asked, still watching the carriage go._

 _I laughed, rubbing my hand over the large bump. "I wouldn't call it advice. I've been around enough children to know how to raise them. It was more the fact that they had so many so quickly," I replied. Back before we met, I had a lot of young kids to take care of and that had been hard. I can't imagine having to do it again._

 _Ieyasu dropped his gaze to me, raising an eyebrow. "Do you think I want that from you?"_

 _I shrugged my shoulders, trying not to smile. "Apparently that's all we're good for."_

 _"Yeah," Ieyasu answered, also in a good mood from our successful night. His words earned a soft whack on his arm from me and he smiled with a laugh. "Rena, you're not like them. They see that, and they fear it, which is why they feel entitled to give you so much advice. The only thing that you need to take seriously is my promises to you." Giving a soft kiss on the lips, he asked, "Are you blushing?"_

 _"Nope, definitely not. Because I'm most definitely not swayed by sweet words," I answered, failing to hold back my laughter. It faded into a hiss when the baby began to kick. "Apparently he or she is, though."_

 _Every time the baby moved or kicked, Ieyasu had this expression of wonder, hesitantly reaching out to feel it. And he or she knew when it was their father speaking and when he was the one touching my bump. They only reacted like that to him. Their love for him had already begun to grow, even though they've never met._

 _The baby settled and Ieyasu took my hands in his. "You're barely standing, aren't you? Why don't you go take a warm bath and relax? I'll finish up my work and come straight to you." He placed a soft kiss on my fingers and then my lips._

 _I readily agreed, thankful for our eventful evening to be over._

 _The worst part being pregnant, besides vomiting all the time, was how heavy my body felt after a long day. Simply walking to where the maid had prepared my bath had me falling asleep in the warm water. It's not a simple task, being pregnant. The water felt divine, however, and soothed my aching muscles._

 _After, the maids helped me to dress into a soft kimono that had been altered to fit my gained weight. I returned to our bedroom, completely ready to simply fall asleep. Ieyasu hadn't arrived yet, probably very busy with preparing to send rice over to the Daimyo and his people. With only two candles lit, the darkness unsettled me. Strange, because I never feared the dark._

 _I couldn't put my finger on it. Something felt very wrong. Though my body protested, I rose to my feet, intent on going to see Ieyasu to calm my nerves. A cool breeze sent a shiver up my body. The door to our balcony had been shut. I make sure every night. Turning my head, I gasped at a figure._

 _"Rena," Joji's voice sent a wave of relief through me._

 _Exhaling, I held my hand against my rapidly beating heart. "Joji! You frightened me."_

 _Before I could ask what brought him here, he'd strode over, a frown on his face. "You're bearing that monster's child?" He cupped my cheeks with his hands, brushing his thumb lightly back and forth. "It's alright. I've come to save you. I'm sorry for the pain I'll cause you."_

 _Joji twisted me around and swung his leg around to knock mine out from under me. I hit the floor hard on my stomach, sending pain through my body. "Joji! Stop! What are you doing?!" I clutched my stomach and groaned._

 _"He's forced himself on you. Forced you to have his child!" A swift kick to the bump hurt worst than the last time, and then again._

 _Unable to form any words, I just cried out from the pain. I wanted to beg him to stop. He'd knocked the wind out of me and I couldn't speak at all._

 _"Lady Rena?" A voice from outside called. The door slowly slid open. It was Jin, one of our personal guardsmen. He charged at Joji without hesitation, tackling him to the floor. Calling over his shoulder, he shouted. "Bring Lord Ieyasu here immediately! And find the midwife!"_

 _I could feel the water seeping out and knew that the labor has started. It's too early. It's much too early. The trauma alone… My head swam with pain and the knowledge that it would be impossible for a baby to have survived those hard kicks. The grief had already set in._

The fire crackled in front of me and blurred with the hot tears that pooled in my eyes. Taking in a shaky breath I said, "There was so much blood. I spent the next four hours in labor, delivering a stillborn baby boy. Tatsu." We'd already decided on names for both genders and holding my lifeless baby in my arms, I had only uttered his name once. Since then, neither Ieyasu nor I had called him by his name.

Hideyoshi had been silent the whole time I told the story, and he held the same sympathetic stare as everyone else who know that our first-born child had died. "Rena," he said my name, unable to come up with any other words.

I forced a soft smile and wiped the tears off my cheeks. "It's okay. You don't have to pity me."

"How did Ieyasu let him live after that?" he asked.

"I asked him to let Joji go." My answer surprised him. I nodded my head, knowing that he didn't understand. The men at Azuchi knew some of my story from before Ieyasu and I met, but not everything. We thought it best to keep at a need to know level. "Joji had been under my care before I met Ieyasu, and he never approved of us. He believed that I was forced into everything. I don't know where along the way I lost him." Standing to my feet, I sighed. "I need a drink. I'll grab the sake."

The curtain of the tent blocked me from Hideyoshi's view. In this moment alone, I tried to pull myself together. I ran my fingers through my hair and smoothed out my kimono. "Deep breaths, Rena. It's going to be alright," I said softly to myself. The skirmish must have been worse than Ieyasu thought. I know he'll be just fine, but still, I worried.

Lifting the bottle of sake off the ground, I turned on my heel to return, only to have someone standing in front of me. The bottle shattered on the ground, spilling the contents. My hands flew to my neck, trying to grasp the foreign thing cutting off my air.

"I swore that I would save you."


	5. Chapter 5

Joji's eyes held sadness in them. He believed that by killing me, he was freeing me. Tears pooled in his eyes. "Forgive me, Rena. Please, I didn't want it to come to this," he whispered, pulling harder on the rope. He sank to his knees with me when I couldn't stand any longer.

Choking for any bit of air that I could get, I whacked at his arm. This is not happening! I've already cost Ieyasu his first-born son by not having the strength to protect our family. Leaning my body back, I thrust my arm out, searching around for anything to help me.

Joji leaned down closer to my face, a soft groan escaping his lips. "Please, don't resist. It's only going to make it more painful."

Swiping up a shard of the Sake bottle, I thrust it forward wildly. There had been no intended target, I only hoped to surprise him.

It was him who made the choking sounds now, his hands clutching at his own throat. Joji's eyes were wide with shock and fear. A look that he had plenty of times when he was young and under my care. The innocence showed on all his features. His body crumpled back, blood oozing out of the cut across his throat. "Re-na…" My name barely made it out of his mouth, blood filling his mouth.

The overwhelming instinct to protect a helpless boy took over and I closed the wound with my own hands, applying pressure. Searching around for any items to help stop the bleeding, I still took deep breaths to calm my racing heart. My eyes met his, and my entire body began to tense. He took my child from me. He had caused me so much pain for choosing to love Ieyasu. He believed that I should die for it.

His body stopped moving and the light behind his eyes dulled out. At some point, my trembling hands had released the pressure, and Joji had bled out around me. His warm blood had soaked through my kimono at my knees. Somewhere I had lost the will to save him. How could I do that to someone that had once been so dear to me?

The tent flapped behind me and Hideyoshi had rushed over. He spoke but I couldn't hear it. First, he checked to make sure that Joji was dead, and then he grabbed my shoulders, trying to shake me out of the daze. "Rena! What happened?"

My eyes scanned the area around us, replaying the scene over and over again. Each time, my mind went blank, burying the moment that I let go of Joji. The broken bottle of Sake, the rope that had nearly crushed my throat, and the blood that had cooled against my skin were all pieces of the attack. "Joji tried to kill me," I whispered, my voice cracking with pain. How did we end up here? I raised him… and he became this man I hardly recognized.

Hideyoshi took a look at the mess around me, and then gently helped me to my feet. When he was sure that I wouldn't fall back down, he released my arms. "Rena, why don't you go sit by the fire and I'll deal with this," he said softly, blocking my view of Joji's body.

My legs were sluggish, like attempting to move through quicksand. Managing to make it to the warm fire, I sank to the ground. The heat being emitted did little to cure the cold in my body. The tightness in my chest grew worse, making it hard to catch my breath. It seemed like the entire night passed by the time Hideyoshi returned, and yet, my mind still reeled.

The embers in the fire were snuffed out from the water, and Hideyoshi had finished packing away our things to continue the journey home. Since we hadn't slept, the rest of the journey back to Azuchi was mostly silent. I was in no space to have conversation.

Mitsunari met us by the front gates, a smile gracing his features. "Welcome Home Lord Hideyoshi, Lady Rena," he greeted kindly. His eyes widened, and he reached out to steady me as I dismounted. "Are you injured?"

"No," I answered softly, afraid that my voice wouldn't even work. With how little sleep I'd had since leaving here not so long ago, I should be tired. Exhausted. None of that was inside me. It was as if all those feelings had been snatched away, being replaced with an emptiness.

"Send a message to Ieyasu that he should return as soon as possible," Hideyoshi said, taking the reins of both horses.

Mitsunari still held onto my arms, glancing over me again to be sure that there were no injuries, but he replied, "Lord Ieyasu never left. A messenger met him on the edge of town to say that the skirmish had been resolved peacefully. We did have an influx of patients but aside from that, he's been in council meetings with Lord Nobunaga and Lord Mitsuhide."

He never… left?

I turned on my heel, intent on going straight to our home here in this town. Both of them called after me, but I ignored it. There was no power in this world that was going to keep me away from Ieyasu at this moment. No information had been gathered on this mission that would assist in the assassination investigation.

The maids and servants were silent at the sight of me. None dared to ask a single question when I entered the manor, instead, making themselves scarce. The study was empty, as was the bedroom. There were plenty of rooms in this manor that he could be in, and finally, when I slid the door to the small archive room, he was there.

"I asked not to be disturbed," he said, not giving a single glance in my direction. Scrolls and books were littered on the floor around him, the frustration showing in the mess. Discarding of the one in his hand, it clattered to the floor. It must be from waiting for my return, as he usually wouldn't make such a mess. Ieyasu had always been very organized.

Taking a few hesitant steps forward, I crouched down to retrieve a few of them. It was then that I could see the blood that stained my hands. The entire ride back, I had fixed my gaze forward, trying to keep the truth away. The books in my hands slid and spilt again on the floor.

An irritated sigh from him was cut short when our eyes met. "Rena? Is that blood?"

"It's not mine," I answered, sinking down to sit on the floor. My vision blurred as my hands began to reach out to retrieve one of leather books again. Gripping it with both hands, my chest began to tighten again. The weight of what Joji had done growing heavier.

Ieyasu went to shut the door to keep prying ears away and came to my side. He reached out to touch me but was startled when I slammed the book down against the floor. "What did he do?" he asked, a hint of anger behind those words but he tried to hide it.

Anger. That's what I felt. My heart ached with pain and it filled me entirely. "What did _I_ do?" I countered, gripping the edges of the book tight enough to make my fingers ache. "Would everything be different if I hadn't gone at all? He gave no information. He only taunted me and my choices. It's infuriating! My choices were mine to make and I do not regret a single one of them!"

 _Except that isn't true in its full extent._

"I'm so angry!" I snapped, smacking the book down against the floor again. "I'm angry that I allowed him to do those things to me… to my child! I'm angry that he _took_ my son away from me! He hated everything about my life to the point that he would rather me be dead than see me be happy with someone else." The mixed emotions inside made it difficult to decipher what I really felt about Joji. "He _hated_ the person I have become. So, then, why does my heart hurt so much knowing that I'm the one who killed him?" It ached so much that I gripped the material of my kimono over it.

Ieyasu stayed silent, only shooing away the servants that came inquire about the noise. Even though he did not speak, I could feel his eyes watching me, listening to everything that I said.

I could hardly breath with the tightness in my chest and lungs, and the tears streamed down my cheeks. What has become of me? It's painful to know that I ended his life, but that was dull compared to the other truth that plagued my mind. Taking a deep breath, I continued, "But in that last moment, when I looked into his eyes and saw the burning hatred for you and me, I…" The words were stuck in my throat. It took several moments for me to get them out. "I let him die. I _wanted_ him to die for all the pain and suffering he caused us."

"You cannot blame yourself for the actions of another. Joji chose to torment you, and it would have never ended if you always chose mercy," Ieyasu said, brushing my hair back from my face and tucking it behind my ear.

Lifting my head to meet his gaze, the tears still spilled. "Ieyasu… I'm so sorry," I breathed out, reaching to take his hand in my own trembling one. "I shouldn't have let him go back then, and I-"

"No, don't do that," Ieyasu cut me off, pulling me into a tight embrace. "The past cannot be changed. You're conflicted with the anger you feel for what Joji did, and the sadness of losing someone that had been under your care for so long. It's enough to have those feelings and let them out. But tomorrow, you will forgive yourself and let go of the monster who has haunted you for all these years."

Though my state only worsened, with more tears and sobs that racked my whole body, I took solace in those words. I married a wise man, and he was right. The pain I feel in this moment will pass. Tomorrow will be a new day and though this guilt would not be easily erased, clarity will be present. But for tonight, I can allow myself to mourn the loss of a once-called friend.


End file.
